"Crotch Gets Hitched" is the twenty-second episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the ninth episode of Season 2. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the The Black Star quest in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
Following his date with Ysolda, Crotch establishes some points to himself, saying he has had his college relationship so now he knows what he wants. Going to speak to Maramal, Crotch informs him he wishes to get married and the first seems quite pleased with the idea of love blossoming in the current difficult times. He arranges the wedding to be the next day. With all these thoughts in his mind, Crotch heads out to Winterhold and decides to invite his ex-girlfriend Brelyna to the ceremony.
Upon encountering Brelyna, Crotch quickly explains he will be getting married the next day to Ysolda, saying she wears a low cut shirt and isn't ugly like Brelyna. The latter surprisingly takes it rather well and accepts the invitation, the reason probably being not having recovered from her head injury. All this helps Crotch and Emre to consider her the perfect mistress, for she would never remember anything.
During the ceremony, Crotch cracks a joke and, upon looking at the congregation, he notices that Lydia is also attending the wedding. After it is official, Ysolda tells her husband she will see him at home. However, when he gets to her, now their, house she is nowhere to be seen! Guzzler then questions a guard but obtains no answer. It's 2 in the morning and he decides to go to sleep. When he rises in the morning, Ysolda is in their bedroom, greeting him but immediately going to sleep. Crotch asks nothing regarding her whereabouts.
Crotch goes back to the College of Magic to collect all his skulls and that's where he sees J'zargo calmly having a drink sitting on his chair for the last time. Crotch then adventures on to the Shrine of Azura, finding Aranea Ienith who has the deepest voice due to probably being a smoker. She sends him to look for Azura's Star. He asks around for some more information and goes to North Tittyshits Pass (AKA North Brittleshin Pass), fighting skeletons. Discovering Ilinalta's Deep, Crotch and Emre discuss a skeleton's genetalia possible size by verifying the gigantic size of his hands, mainly the right one. Facing a puzzling flooded room, Crotch uses his dragon shout to overcome the obstacles and his magicka to kick necromancer ass.
When Crotch finally recovers Azura's Star, he returns to Aranea to deliver it, shouting her off the shrine and having a laugh. Azura speaks to Crotch but he listens to none of it, gazing upon the massive breasts on the statue instead. Crotch ends up killing Malyn Varen's soul and Azura awards him the star they all spoke of. Returning home, happy to show his wife his skull collection, Crotch is disappointed when, once again, Ysolda isn't home at night. He scatters the skulls throughout the small house and goes out, searching the streets for his bride, deciding to get in to the Bannered Mare. There he sees Hulda who mentions she's ready to retire and has been considering selling the inn to Ysolda.
Crotch returns to the house. And sleeping in bed with all the skulls he brought from his old dorm... is Ysolda, who wakes up and gives him his share of the profits... but from what?
|Previous episode:||Next episode:|
|Daedric Blind Date||Daedric Asthma Attack|