|Role||Arch-Mage, Miraak Impersonator|
|Faction||The College of Winterhold, The Guzzler Family|
|Questlines||The College of Winterhold|
|First Appearance||2.01 - A Pimp Goes to College|
|Latest Appearance||5.30 - Skooma Parley|
|Current Status|| Alive
Crotch Guzzler is a High Elf and one of the central characters in Skyrim For Pimps. He was born around 3E 413 and is the oldest of the four main characters in the series. He was also known as Miraak when he plotted revenge against Fün Tits in Library Land.
Crotch Guzzler is a prankster, and a child at heart with a love of dirty humor. Later on the innocent pranks turned to more serious mental issues, such as an obsession with skulls and anger issues. Before being kicked out by his parents after a couple centuries of unemployment, he would set barrels of feces on fire and roll them into town. He also enjoyed talking to skulls while his professor, Tolfdir, was trying to teach classes. Crotch also seems to have a hatred for books and a hatred for learning in general, or really just a hatred for talking, listening, following and any other lame verb. Despite Crotch's obvious psychopathic tendencies, he does seem to truly love his wife and children.
Fün is probably the closest thing Crotch has to a true friend. She considers Crotch her best friend though he claims not reciprocate the feelings. Even after he kills her girlfriends Serana and Astrid (though, technically both were already dead) and forces her to do a bunch of tedious things to get to him because he mistakenly believed that pancakes he made with recipe she gave him killed his family, she was immediately ready to forgive him and did not wish to fight him.
Crotch Guzzler makes appearances in Season 2, Season 3, Season 4, Season 5, and Season 6. Crotch Guzzler stars (or co-stars) as the main character in Season 2 and Season 4. See Timeline for a visual of the events in relation to the other three main characters.
- Main article: Season 2 - Story
After being kicked out of the house, Crotch Guzzler decides to attend magic school at the College of Winterhold. He expects drinking and partying once he there but all he gets is a bunch of lame busywork like listening, following, and reading. However mundane Crotch finds these tasks, he enrolled in unfamiliar times for the College of Winterhold. An strange orb has been found in an ancient Nord ruin and it's Crotch's job to find out more about this orb.
After the events at the College of Winterhold, where he became the Arch-Mage after dealing with the power hungry Ancano, he parties and ends up marrying a woman named Ysolda. Unsatisfied with life as Arch-Mage, Crotch ends up murdering everyone at the College of Winterhold.
Crotch appears in the episode When Tits Met Crotch. Fün requests his help in tracking down an Elder Scroll. Crotch aides her in her quest, while also informing her that he's killed everyone at the College of Magic (College of Winterhold). This is their first encounter.
Crotch reappears in the final episode, where he revives Astrid and takes her to Fün Tits, and receives a pancake recipe, however he cannot read it as it is in ancient Italian, so he vows to learn how to make these pancakes, so he can feed them to his future family.
Fün believes that they have a good relationship, and would date him if she was straight. However, Crotch feels differently, and in season four he constantly says how much he hates her, for making him drag a dead body across half of Skyrim.
- Main article: Season 4 - Crotch's Story
Fed up with the life in Whiterun, where people like Fün Tits, makes him retrieve corpses halfway across Skyrim, Crotch builds a house in the open away from it all. Soon, Ysolda moves into Crotch's new home and he goes to the Riften orphanage to adopt two children for them. Crotch adopts two lovely children; a girl named Runa Fair-Shield and a boy named Hroar. Crotch finds out that parenting can be pretty difficult but all in all, he was quite satisfied with life.
However, by the third day with his new family, his son, Hroar, was dead, killed on accident by his own father. Mortified, Crotch raises Hroar as a zombie and, to make things right, goes with his son to the Throat of the World to translate the pancake recipe with the help of Paarthurnax.
Crotch was able to create one of the most complex pancakes ever made but finds his pancakes ruined his life. Crotch awakens to find that Runa and Ysolda are both dead in their beds, quite possibly from the poison in the pancakes. Full of regret and remorse, Crotch gathers all the bodies of those he knew and lays them to rest at the College of Winterhold. He jumps off the bridge plunging to, what seems to be, his death.
Crotch doesn't make another appearance in Season 4 until the very last episode where it is revealed that the entire time, he was actually Miraak and had invented Library Land in order to get back at Fün Tits] for giving him the pancake recipe that killed his family. They have a ferocious battle and are interrupted by Cock Nibbler who persuades them to stop fighting.
S'oggy Balls starts telling a story of how everything led to this moment to kill Crotch. Occasionally, Crotch interrupts S'oggy to mock his story or question the his absurd logic. By the end of the story, Crotch finds out that S'oggy was the one that killed his family and despite that realization, he brings Aela back from the dead and weds them. It would seem that he is willing to forgive S'oggy Balls considering that they took one another's family from each other--until he reveals his true motivation and wounds S'oggy during the Skooma Parley and kills Aela and her unborn child right before S'oggy Balls' eyes. He then kills S'oggy himself in his final act of vengeance.
- "My murder brings all my friends to the courtyard, and that's where I murder them hard, that's right I murder them hard." ("Crotch VS Winterhold" , while exiting The Hall Of Countenance).
- "I'm the Arch Mage, bitch!" ("When Tits Met Crotch" , to Fün).
|Point of View||Fün Tits • Crotch Guzzler • S'oggy Balls • Cock Nibbler|
|GSP Gods||Adam Koralik • Emre Cihangir • Aaron Yonda|