Crotch Guzzler is a High Elf and one of the central characters in Skyrim For Pimps. He was born around 3E 413 and is the oldest of the four main characters in the series. He was also known as Miraak when he plotted revenge against Fün Tits in Library Land.
Crotch Guzzler is the Arch-Mage, a prankster, and a child at heart with a love of dirty humor. Later on, the innocent pranks turned to more serious mental issues, such as an obsession with skulls and anger issues. Before being kicked out by his parents after a couple centuries of unemployment, he would set barrels of feces on fire and roll them into town. He also enjoyed talking to skulls while his professor, Tolfdir, was trying to teach classes. Crotch also seems to have a hatred for books and a hatred for learning in general, or really just a hatred for talking, listening, following and any other lame verb. Despite Crotch's obvious psychopathic tendencies, he does seem to truly love his wife and children.
Crotch Guzzler makes appearances in all seasons except for season one. Crotch Guzzler stars (or co-stars) as the main character in Season 2 and Season 4. See Timeline for a visual of the events in relation to the other three main characters.
Coming from a long line of Guzzlers, including Potato Guzzler and Xeno Guzzler, Crotch Guzzler lived at home with his parents for about two-hundred-thirty years, shirking responsibility in favor of childish pranks such as lighting wagons of feces on fire and rolling them into towns. After Crotch is finally kicked out and forced to do something with his life, he decides to attend magic college.
Crotch enters the College of Winterhold, and immediately realizes the boring nature of the school. He meets his fellow classmates, including The Cat-Man (J'zargo) and The Faggot (Onmund), as well as their professor, Tolfdir. After a mere few hours they all embarked on the first field trip of the season, to the ruins of Saarthal.
In Saarthal, Crotch and the others found a great, boring artifact known as the Eye of Magnus, and Crotch himself received a psychedelic vision from a yellow clad mage. Tolfdir was so fascinated they brought the artifact back to the college. Through a series of incredibly mundane tasks, Crotch discovers the Augur of Dunlain, the Staff of Magnus and the fun of collecting skulls. He also experiences his first (but brief) romance with Brelyna but quickly tired of her after he found out she suffered from a head injury.
Crotch loathed his experience at the magic college. The only times he seemed to enjoy it was when he was admiring Ancano's ass and visiting Labyrinthian. The rest of it he found to be completely tedious. After being forced to save the College of Winterhold, and witnessing the death of Savos Aren, the college Dean, Crotch was made Arch Mage but quickly found that even after being made Arch Mage no one respected him. Life at the college remained as dull and uninteresting as usual; he was forced to clean "focal points", fetch things for the other students, and clean up dragon corpses. Unable to take it anymore, Crotch went out for a drink and participated in a drinking contest with Sam Guenvere (or Guevenne).
Crotch passed out and when he woke, he found himself within the temple of Dibella in Markarth and confronted with many sexy shrines and a very pissed off priestess. After "cleaning" up the mess he made, Crotch set off for Rorikstead where he harvested some cabbages and sold them to the very farmer that grew them and was told to search Whiterun for the staff Sam mentioned in his note. While in Whiterun he met a lovely maiden named Ysolda and intimidated her into telling him where Sam had taken the staff. She told him to search Morvunscar, so Crotch headed there at once and encountered mages that ran right into their own traps, Meridia's Bacon and a portal to Sam's location.
There, within the portal, Sam revealed himself to be Sanguine, the daedric prince of hedonism and debauchery who gave the staff as promised. Crotch then woke up right where he'd started his wild adventure, in the inn. Crotch left the inn and found Ysolda where he proposed to her, despite that the only conversations that they had ever had had been when he was drunk, and when he intimidated her for information. Regardless of their history, Crotch invited Brelyna to the wedding and she, the farmer that he'd sold cabbage to, and a Khajiit caravan (and Lydia) attended the ceremony. Crotch moved into Ysolda's house to live a life of married bliss...only to discover that his wife would stay out late at night, returning only in the morning.
Distressed that his wife might be a prostitute and realizing that he never should have married a woman he had only known for a day, Crotch went to visit The Oracles. While at the inn, he discovered the priest named Erandur who asked him for help ridding the town of 'asthma'. This was rather convenient as he suffered from asthma, so he agreed and then went to the temple with Erandur, where Crotch quickly grew to hate Erandur because he asked him to read things, speak to him and would take way too long to finish talking, much like Tolfdir and the other professors at his college. So naturally, Crotch killed him the moment he had the chance.
Realizing just how simple it had been to kill Erandur and end his babbling, Crotch decided to get back at all the pain his professors had put him through and returned to the College of Winterhold where he embarked on a quest to learn the master level destruction spells. The quest was very annoying and tedious and involved more reading than Crotch ever wanted but he found the spell and mastered it. He returned to the college where he killed J'zargo right in his chair, murdered Onmund and Brelyna, shouted Faralda off the college bridge twice, and killed the professors with lightening, frost and flame.
Crotch returned home and after discovering that his wife was actually a drug dealer and not a prostitute to his great relief, and was actually about to be sold the Bannered Mare, Crotch killed the innkeeper Hulda and Ysolda took her place. Season 2 ends with Crotch Guzzler roasting a dead guard and Hulda on the fire while Ysolda sells her skooma to all the happy residents of Whiterun.
Crotch appears in the episode "When Tits Met Crotch." Fün requests his help in tracking down an Elder Scroll. Crotch aides her in her quest, while also informing her that he's killed everyone at the College of Winterhold. This is their first encounter.
Crotch reappears in the final episode, where he revives Astrid and takes her to Fün Tits, and receives a book called The Best Pancakes Ever in all of Existence, however he cannot read it as it is in ancient Italian, so he vows to learn how to make these pancakes, so he can feed them to his future family.
Fün believes that they have a good relationship, and would date him if she was straight. However, Crotch feels differently, and in Season 4 he constantly says how much he hates her, for making him drag a dead body across half of Skyrim.
After resurrecting Fün Tits's dead girlfriend Astrid and receiving nothing but a pancake recipe he can't even read in return for his services, Crotch Guzzler has decided that he is going to settle down with Ysolda and have children, build them a home, make those pancakes and kill anyone that ever wronged him! He builds a home and moves in with all the bodies of the dead students from the College of Winterhold, as well as all of his beloved skulls. He also makes some new additions to the home, like the untrained pet skeevers in his basement that get killed by the summoned Dremora who steals Crotch's Skull of Corruption, he gets a cow named Spanky and a chicken that constantly tries to sexually harass Spanky. He also gets a very rude Giant neighbor that he sets on fire and hires a bard named Sonir whom he beats frequently.
Ysolda moves in and Crotch goes to the Riften orphanage to adopt two children for them. Crotch adopts two lovely children; a girl named Runa Fair-Shield and a boy named Hroar. Hroar loves Crotch's home, Runa however thinks it is scary.
Crotch goes about teaching them valuable life lessons like treating Sonir like she's scum and not listening to anything she says, showing Hroar the dead bodies of Onmund, J'zargo and Brelyna to teach him that if anyone ever does something he doesn't like, he can kill them. He also shows Brelyna's corpse to Runa, telling her that she shouldn't date psychopaths.
Crotch wakes the children up early to do their chores, which basically consist of cleaning all the skulls in his home. Crotch also plays hide-and-seek with Runa and she gets stuck in a wagon. Sonir has become defiant towards Crotch, ignoring his orders to use the kitchen he built and going so far as to threaten him after he punches her. Fearing that Sonir may try to kill him, Crotch fights with her. When he realizes how upset his family is getting, he tries to reason with her, but to no avail. He snaps and kills her. Destraught, Crotch hides her in the basement beside his other mistakes.
Crotch takes Hroar to the roof to clean it but loses his temper when Hroar refuses to cooperate and throws him off the roof, killing him. Mortified, Crotch raises Hroar as a zombie and, to make things right, goes with his son to the Throat of the World to translate the pancake recipe with the help of Paarthurnax. Crotch reads the book and goes to find the White Phial which is used to pour the syrup. While in Windhelm, he encounters Silda the Unseen and is disgusted by her. He and Hroar speak to Nurelion and head to a dungeon, only to find the Phial is cracked and when they return, Nurelion takes it and only pays a measly five gold. Crotch is so mad, he loses his temper at Silda the Unseen and punches her to death, resulting in his arrest, all in front of Hroar!
Three days later, Crotch is released and is unable to find Hroar . He searches for the zombified child in the hall of the dead. Afterwards, Crotch goes to find ingredients to repair the Phial; a briarheat, mammoth tusk powder, and unmelting snow. He is successful and the Phial at last is his! Crotch sets out to find the next ingredients: mushrooms from the Mushroom Kingdom, which luckily Crotch knows about from back in the day when he and Onmund used to get high. By sleeping in the bed inside an abandoned home, Crotch visits the Mushroom Kingdom and fights his way through giant turtles and all kinds of oddities. He battles Bowser and rescues Princess Toadstool and leaves with his mushrooms.
Crotch goes through a montage to get the remaining ingredients and can finally make the pancakes but no one is as enthusiastic as he'd hoped, so he goes to sleep and waits until morning. The next morning, Crotch awakens to find that Runa and Ysolda are both dead in their beds, dead from the poison in the pancakes. Full of regret and remorse, Crotch gathers all the bodies of those he knew and lays them to rest at the College of Winterhold. There, he apologizes to each one of them and, unable to carry on, throws himself from the tower with a mournful cry of his wife's name, still echoing in the air as he plummets to the ground... but never died.
Crotch doesn't make another appearance in Season 4 until the very last episode where it is revealed that the entire time, he was actually Miraak and had invented Library Land in order to get back at Fün Tits for giving him the pancake recipe that killed his family. They have a ferocious battle and are interrupted by Cock Nibbler who persuades them to stop fighting and takes Crotch away to a padded cell full of skulls.
Season 5 and Season 6Edit
S'oggy Balls starts telling a story of how everything led to this moment to kill Crotch. Occasionally, Crotch interrupts S'oggy to mock his story or question the his absurd logic. By the end of the story, Crotch finds out that S'oggy was the one that killed his family and despite that realization, he brings Aela back from the dead and weds them. It would seem that he is willing to forgive S'oggy Balls considering that they took one another's family from each other--until he reveals his true motivation and wounds S'oggy during the Skooma Parley and kills Aela and her unborn child right before S'oggy Balls' eyes. He then kills S'oggy himself in his final act of vengeance.
Fün Tits Edit
Fün is probably the closest thing Crotch has to a true friend. She considers Crotch her best friend though he claims not reciprocate the feelings. Even after he kills her girlfriends Serana and Astrid (though, technically both were already dead) and forces her to do a bunch of tedious things to get to him because he mistakenly believed that pancakes he made with recipe she gave him killed his family, she was immediately ready to forgive him and did not wish to fight him.
- "My murder brings all my friends to the courtyard, and that's where I murder them hard, that's right I murder them hard." ("Crotch vs Winterhold," while exiting The Hall Of Countenance).
- "I'm the Arch Mage, bitch!" ("When Tits Met Crotch," to Fün).
|Point of View||Fün Tits • Crotch Guzzler • S'oggy Balls • Cock Nibbler • General Burnside|
|GSP Gods||Adam Koralik • Emre Cihangir • Aaron Yonda|