|Crotch vs Winterhold|
|Crotch testing his 'kill-12-to-15-wizards-all-at-once-in-a-snowy-courtyard' spell.|
|Season 2, Episode 11|
|Air date||July 25, 2012|
|Written by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Directed by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Daedric Asthma Attack||Dawnguard Begins!|
"Crotch vs Winterhold" is the twenty-fourth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the eleventh episode of Season 2. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the Destruction Ritual Spell quest in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
Starting this new episode, Crotch informs his wife Ysolda that he is heading out to murder all his former colleages at the College of Winterhold and asks her for some cash. Ysolda, as always, gives him his share of the profits of whatever is she does. Crotch then shares he has been preparing for this event, giving us a peek of his 'before' and 'after' body, as well as showing off his new, enchanted armor.
As soon as he arrives at the college's snowy courtyard, he finds Faralda and questions about a spell that would kill 12 to 15 wizards all at once in a snowy courtyard. The Altmer mage then gives him the spell book, but to his misfortune it seems to be something edging on riddling poetry, plus only one of its pages is written:
"Northward, haunted / northern coastline / And south, Dwemer / live and toil, / A simple place / a shield from draft. / At this stand / wield mage's craft / So fierce the sea will boil."
Adventuring to find such spell, Crotch goes to a hoopty hoop, half circle jerker and discovers Windward Ruins, which are really nothing but a protection from wind. There he sees a pedestal that he blasts and stares at. Checking the spell book after a while, he realizes a second page of the conundrum in verse has been written:
"Under Greybeards' / morning shadow / At this northern / watch, long lost / ..."
He disregards the rest of the riddle, saying he knows where to go - White River Watch! Searching for a whole hour, Crotch becomes distracted by bunnies and random tower guards that he amusingly blasts off a window. Being lost for a couple more hours and scaling a mountain, Guzzler finally sights the next place to proceed with the riddle. HOWEVER, he complains about said mountain, mentioning how hard it was to climb and how randomly he found the place, when he lowers himself a bit from it, not being able to go back to its peak and therefore having to go around the mountain, losing three hours. Arriving, at last, he casts an ice spell onto the next pedestal and confirms another part of the riddle has been added:
"Over western / river waters, / By Karth bounded / south and north / On a mountain sits / a humble crown / ..."
Not caring about the final of the puzzling text once again, Crotch goes to Karthwasten. Immediately upon arrival, a courier meets him and says he has something to deliver Crotch, being for his hands only. The protagonist cracks a joke before reading a message from his wife, Ysolda. Shockingly he realizes what his wife's activity is... DRUG DEALING! At least he's happy she is not a whore.
Running to the next place and casting a spell on the last pedestal, he finally learns the spell he has been looking for! At once, he returns to Winterhold to trigger his machiavellic plan: to murder every single person that has ever made him read, follow, listen... mainly listen. There was a lot of listening... The time had come for everyone to pay! Crotch's first victims are Drevis Neloren and Sergius Turrianus, whom he murders in their dorms. He then fights Faralda and ends up shouting her off one of the college's windows. Crotch destroys the Library and messes up all the books in it and that's when Urag gro-Shub tells him he has been suspended from the college, but his fate is not different from the others'. Guzzler reveals that his objective is to rid the college from everyone and be simply him roaming the campus. In spite of all this, Faralda is seen once again, this time at the bridge, trying to return to Winterhold. It's Nirya's time next, right after telling the arch-mage, yet again, he has been suspended. Crotch goes into the dorms to find Brelyna and she accompanies him for a while, as his rampage endures, but not without meeting her own end at Crotch's fists, whom feels a little bad after taking her stuff from her corpse but still has sex with it.
Crotch decides to return to his old room and surprisingly enough he finds J'zargo sitting in his chair, as always. With a nice vengeful touch, Crotch decides to make J'zargo permanently part of the chair before assassinating him. Following that murder, Crotch heads out to the courtyard where he waits for hours for people to show up, so he can use his new spell. Tired of it, he reenters the dorms and finds Tolfdir calmly sitting on his J'zargo chair as he eats some bread. The arch-mage finally ends all life in the College of Winterhold.Happily, Crotch returns to Whiterun to his wife and tells her how he just murdered everyone at his old college. He asks for dinner afterwards and mentions the note he got from her, where he learned she was a drug dealer. In a very good mood, he then proceeds to the Bannered Mare, kills Hulda and runs home to tell his wife. But Ysolda is already at the inn, filling the necessary paperwork and tending the bar. Ecstatic, Crotch foresees their future, wanting to get a couple of Guzzler kids. Celebrating, he puts two bodies to roast and carries on!