"Dawnguard Begins!" is the twenty-fifth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the first episode of Season 3. In this new season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the Dawnguard, Awakening and Bloodline quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
Plot[]
This new season begins with Fün Tits exiting her cave and going to the Bannered Mare, where she notices that things have clearly changed since the last time she had been there. In the fire pit, right in the middle of the inn's lounging area, there are a couple of corpses roasting. Fün goes up to several guests, questioning them about vampires, but no one seems to have heard of anything, including a rude woman by the name of Uthgerd the Unbroken. Fün then changes her mind, saying nothing has changed except for the fact that they now seem to eat people.
Going out to Whiterun, Fün let us know her plan of hopefully becoming a vampire, bite her one true love Astrid and turn her into a vampire, so she can become undead and they can live happily 'ever for after.' Finding a guard that gives her some information about some vampire hunters, Fün heads out to Riften and to an old fort that was mentioned. Fün officially comes out of retirement.
Emre questions how did she hear about these hunters, the Dawnguard, and she replies that Babette often goes to visit her in the cave and is the responsible for implanting the idea, even though the child herself IS already a vampire but claims it wouldn't work. Babette is a liar.
The exact moment Fün shoots Agmaer in the head.
Saddling up Shadowmere, Fün shows off quite poorly on a dragon how she has discovered she can fight while riding a horse. Immediately Shadowmere rises up in the air, higher than the dragon. Things are not what they used to be anymore.
Arriving at Dayspring Canyon, Fün chases a 'white rabbit'-like dude and when she finally catches up to him, he says Fort Dawnguard has been discovered. His name is Agmaer and together they come across Durak, a real serious vampire hunter who never faces people when talking to them, whom informs them that Dawnguard is recruiting. Fün and Agmaer reach the fort and at its entrance meet Celann, who has a nice hairdo and thirteen buckles on his outfit, being a fuckbuckles. Inside, they get to know Isran, another fuckbuckles. Fün tells him she is pretty good at stuffing axes up her enemies' butts, however Agmaer still needs to prove his crossbow skill. Vigilant Tolan briefly mentions Dimhollow Crypt. And that's when Fün 'accidentally' shoots Agmaer in the head. Obviously, she decides to leave.
The controversial armor
Mouting Shadowmere, she disses on Crotch Guzzler and how he settled down instead of pursuing a life of adventure, but honestly, if she had had the opportunity to marry Astrid she would have done it already, but having to resurrect her every sixty seconds is a real pain in the ass. On her way, she kills a few vampires, flushes some toilets and searches a couple of draugrs. She also discusses the effectiveness of certain vampire nightstalkers' outfits, being open nowhere else but the chest, concluding that it is to give false hope of both getting laid and stabbing them in the heart.
Reaching a puzzling room with a suspicious red button in the middle, Fün knows she has no choice but to push it. Simultaneously, her hand gets pierced, the floor emanates cool purple stuff and things start to move - it is indeed a puzzle, which she solves by moving the brasers... brassiers... brazzers... brasiers... braziers! A stone monolith rises from below the ground and reveals a sleeping, sexy lady who almost falls to the floor. The mysterious woman asks a few questions to Fün and says she was expecting someone more like herself, however, she does not explain a word. Instead, she says if Fün wants to know the rest of the story, she could help her go back to her family, to which she agrees because the lady's hot. Fün learns her name is Serana and this chick seems to be confused, instantly asking if they were there yet.
Together they fight Jersey Shore gargoyles, Serana resurrecting one of them as her pet temporarily. Showing off her murdering skills, Serana is becoming pleasant in Fün's eyes, making her think that if Astrid could get out of the cave, those were the kind of things they would do. After that thought and killing a few more draugr deathlords, Fün confesses she is getting excited about Serana , but has Emre calming her down and focus on the mission to take her back home, have sex and marry her. Wait, what?
Video[]
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