"Grudge Match of the Century" is the thirty-sixth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the twelfth episode of Season 3. In this new season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the end of Touching the Sky and Kindred Judgement quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
Walking by more falmer properties and murdering said fellows, Fün comes across powdered mammoth tusk and informs us it is one of the many ingredients for the exotic pancakes she found the recipe for. She continues to gather precious treasures from the falmers' chests and discovers yet another volume from the recipe, this time including ingredients such as 10 galons of worches... worceshire... worcestshire... worcester sauce, a single frame of the original print of Return of the Jedi that cannot have an ewok in it, 3/4 of the color purple distilled and five movies that were returned late to Blockbuster Video, being that the longer they're overdue, the more flavor they're going to have. Emre says these pancakes will be hard to make since Blockbuster is out of business.
Reaching the gated community where all the rich falmers live, the adventurers are presented with a blizzard and Fün gets quite upset from its lack of sense. Arriving at the end of the cave, Fün bitches about having lost an hour of her life simply going through it only to get to a dipshit ghost priest who will babble and open the next fucking gazedo. She does get excited, believing there will be a party and this dude Edhelbor and her will get wasted. Err, yeah, nope.
Standing in the middle of the pavilion, Fün thinks that's it, but Emre is in distress yelling that that place isn't the Inner Sanctum, or Inner Scrotum, it's only a FUCKING GAZEBO! Our Pimp reflects on how she had never heard anyone sreaming rage about a 'fucking gazebo'. Good times.
Finally entering the Inner Sanctum, the vampires find falmer popsicles. The whole place is full of frozen falmers who have flasks of 'resist cold' and 'health' potions. Fün wonders if it's a hint. As she proceeds into the dark temple, a soft, almost trickling noise is heard. Of course, it's Serana speaking and even though Fün is standing right next to her, she cannot understand a single word the necromancer says. They decide to whisper for the rest of the way.
Fün tricks Serana into getting trapped underground, possibly for a thousand years, however, surprise surprise, Serana just pops up right behing Fün like it was nothing. She has powers, this girl! Continuing their adventure, Fün no longer cares about stuff on tables, frozen assholes, scattered skeletons, gayness nor stupidity, she can only focus on finding the rest of the volumes for the pancake recipe and the Birther, Donald Trump. Reaching an ample room full of frozen dudes, they find what it looks like an important dude, sitting on a throne of some sort, saying they did exactly as he predicted, bringing Serana to him. Suddenly, every frozen creature defrosts and attacks the ladies. Pointless though. Come on! Fün destroys everyone, even the giant ancient frost atronachs the guy sends. Why even try...? The main dude makes some cool and scary looking crap happen and the whole cave goes boom, losing its roof and whatnot, making the vampires' blood boil in the sun. Meeting him up at the balcony, Fün and Serana first intimidate him and then quickly assassinate this guy. After all that goes down, the master gazebo pops up and Gelebor shows up and while talking to him she realizes she has been saying the other dude's name wrong all along. It's Vyrthur and not Birther. Okay. Gelebor is so thankful and praises Fün for risking her life that he gives her Auriel's bow, or L'Óreal's bow. Fün confesses it was quite fun and she did not risk anything, she didn't even get hit and she played around with Serana and some traps. She also informs Gelebor they will do quite some horrible things with the bow. He doesn't seem to care, though.
Seeing Serana staring at Vyrthur's corpse, being obsessed with his body, Fün doesn't like it and throws him out the balcony, but fate wants her to almost fall down the same spot, and after being quite scared and the closest to dying in this whole adventure, Fün manages to jump back to safety. Grabbing the bow, Emre and her debate about how she'll shoot the arrow into the sun, wondering if gravity and light being eight days old will have to be taken into account. Suddenly, seems like this mission has become quite complicated, involving math and physics. Talking with Serana , they decide to go fuck up her dad but before... on to shooting the sun with bloodcursed arrows! As soon as Fün does it, the sun blacks out, the whole sky turns crimson before inverting colors. Immediately, Fün regrets what she has done. Yep, the sky now looks like it has a huge gapping anus.
Returning to Castle Volkihar, Fün and Serana fuck up Lord Harkon quite good... and fast. Fün is just too strong, no one is ever a challenge. Questioning Serana about what she'll do next, the necromancer explains she'll stay at the castle... unless Fün has more afventures planned out. Of course Fün says she wants her to come along. After all, she loves her.
|Previous episode:||Next episode:|
|The Fabulous Falmers||Walking the Dead|