"Huge Vampire Wang" is the twenty-sixth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the second episode of Season 3. In this new season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the continuation of Bloodline and The Bloodstone Chalice quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
Fün takes Serana to her place and gives her a tour, ending up in the bedroom so they could have sex, even though Lydia was sitting at a table in the corner. But Serana just stands there, looking at Fün. She wonders if the vampire lady is a little foreign and maybe cannot understand what she says. Eventually the duo heads out. In the badly lit streets they pass by a dead vampire and Fün asks why do vampires wear skirts and considers it to be a bit embarrassing. Together they carry on to start the adventure of taking Serana home. Arriving to the shore, Serana sasses Fün for wanting to take Shadowmere to the island.Disembarking at Castle Volkihar, they are allowed to enter by a watchman who might be related to Silda the Unseen, or at least they would make the world's ugliest babies. A vampire named Vingalmo meets them briefly, not believing Serana is back and takes them to the main hall, where all the other vampires, along Serana's daddy Lord Harkon, are feasting on humans. Fün thinks they're disgusting and should use silverware. Harkon attempts to introduce himself but Fün already knows who he is. After all, it was written on the floor right by him all the time. Wanting something for having brought Serana home, Fün questions about a possible reward. Harkon then replies that besides the Elder Scroll, he can also give her something quite valuable, his blood. Immediately he turns into his vampiresque form, making Fün think he has a massive demon dick underneath his garments, with a barbed end and a smaller dick inside that shoots out. As soon as he transforms, he bites Fün and turns our Pimp into a vampire as well.
When Fün wakes up, she's all sparkly and Lord Harkon says that, with the proper guidance, she can become a striking instrument, to which she chooses to be a trombone with a blade at the end. She, herself, turns into her vampire form and plays around for a bit, becoming a cloud of bats for a minute and then redirecting her attention to Harkon, who says he has a task for her and sends her to Garan Marethi. Fün does not like his nose nore facial hair and is intrigued by the fact that he keeps on reading when talking to her. He might be reading a script... Garan sends her to find a chalice Harkon seems to want or something.
She comes across Salonia, who seems to need full facial reconstruction and calls her 'sister', reminding Fün of the times Astrid would call her the same. Going out to start her mission, Fün gets to a place called Redwater Den, or Shotgun Shack, where she's greeted by a lookout who says she's got nothing on her, but if Fün is looking for skooma, they have some downstairs. However, Fün changes into Vampire Fün and begins her blood absorbing and addict flesh feasting rampage. Half way through it, Emre disses on vampires in Skyrim not having super strength, being weak in the sunlight and not being sexy. While this goes on, Fün finds the bloody spring, with rotting carcasses in it, and that's where she dips the chalice in. On the way back to Garan, she has to fight Stalf and Salonia. Whatever. From her quest, Fün takes a valuable lesson: best way to cure a skooma addiction, chop the addict's body in half with an axe.
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