"Kung Fu Skeleton" is the twenty-eighth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the fourth episode of Season 3. In this new season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the continuation of Beyond Death and Find Arvak's Skull quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
Right as the episode starts, we see Fün and Serana fighting Star Trek 1 characters and dogs straight from hell in the badly lit Volkihar Undercroft, a bra brand, where Fün also notices how Serana looks sexy after all that killing and wants to do it right there and then. Of course... that doesn't happen. Continuing, the vampire ladies face themselves with a double bard security measure placed by Serana's daddy, Lord Harkon, which means there will be quite a lot of singing going down.
They battle giant frostbite spiders and in the middle of the big mess, Fün hits Serana. However all is forgiven and forgotten. When they reach the courtyard, Fün experiences Serana softly speaking once again, as well as leaving Fün behind as she carries on explaining something. Err... maybe it's from having spent so many years enclosed underground... she just isolates herself in her little world sometimes... Well, Serana informs that something is wrong with the moondial they find in the middle of the courtyard. Not once, nor twice... yeah, she gets repetitive. Then tells Fün to go fetch shiny new quarters, or moon crests, which got scattered by means of giant farts, to place them back on said moondial. Following that, the moondial opens up and reveals stairs leading down to some ruins. Before entering, we find out that Serana's name is actually Serrated Anus, and the one she uses is nothing more than a nickname, because it was too graphic.
Going deeper into the ruins, the love birds fight both skeletons and gargoyles and Serana revives a fallen skeleton to tag along as her pet. And whoa, that skeleton is the most amazing skeleton ever - it's a kung fu skeleton! He fights, stands AND runs in an awesome and sexy way! Coming down to a room, Serana babbles about her mother and how deep into necromancy she is and how many years it must have taken her to collect 5 freaking skulls... here, Fün says she knows a guy that has 300 and only took him a few days. That guy is Crotch Guzzler.
Serana wants Fün to look for Valerica's notes and Fün proposes looking in her underwear, since she hasn't changed it in about 200 years. No better place to hide Valerica's diary then in her daughter's vagina! After this whole skit, Fün finds asshole mother's notes and apologizes to Serana, who snatches the manuscript right from Fün's hands. They go back and forth about this place called Soul Cairn, which is haunted by some pretty powerful beings. The necromancer lady clearly has mommy issues, always talking about Valerica, 'my mother this...', 'my mother that...' What a turn off. Fün asks if Serana could changer her hairdo, since it seems like she's balding. But she completely ignores it.
Opening the portal, using Serana's blood, the adventurers are taken to Soul Cairn, where there are constant storms happening, and of course Serana feels the need to speak softly even though there are thunder and lightening all over the sky.
|Previous episode:||Next episode:|
|Stupid Moth Priest||Quest for the Skeleton Horse|