"Quest for the Skeleton Horse" is the twenty-ninth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the fifth episode of Season 3. In this season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the continuation of Beyond Death and Find Arvak's Skull quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
PlotEditFün and Serana go to Houston to begin searching for Valerica, the necromancer asshole mother. There they come to meet various Mcdonald's employee's souls who are incredibly depressed and numb. Along the way, they fight bonemen and come across one particular Mcdonald's employee who begs for them to find his horse, Arvak, at first mistaken to be a vaccum cleaner. For Fün to achieve this, she must find the horse's skull in the Soul Cairn... basically Houston.
Looting a few chests for useless healing potions, the adventurers come across a place full of glory holes for huge square dicked giants. Proceeding, they carry on killing bonemen and sucking souls, Serana sasses Fün a little more, because that's always nice and Fün asks her if they'll meet the Ideal Masters... not even know who they are or what they are. Serana says she doubts anyone has seen them and Fün doesn't understand why they are even talking about such.
Thunder and lightening are heard and seen and Fün wonders if it will start raining soul urine and orphan's tears, only to state after that that place is shitty. Upon finding Arvak's skull, the vampire ladies have to murder some mistmen and then go back to the Mcdonald's employee who sent them on this mission in the first place. With him, Fün learns something new - when a soul is freed, your leg goes to sleep. However, because Serana gets in the shot, a second take is needed to be done.
After this, Fün acquires the power to summon Arvak, and oh boy, does he kick ass! However, he's quite uncomfortable to ride because of being so bony. Galloping away in her new Pimp horse, Fün finds Valerica, Serana's milf, who has the same part in her hair and comes out quite abruptly, wanting to know the reason why her daughter is in the company of a half-blood. In the middle of all the vampiric nonsense, Valerica says that the key to the Tyranny of the Sun is Serana herself. Which basically means that Japan requires Serana's blood. But... Fün doesn't want Serana to die, so she will try and chose another path. Cold-hearted bitch Valerica interrupts this thought and explains what Fün should do and whom she should kill.
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