Continuing the events of Season 3, Crotch Guzzler decides to move out of Whiterun, where Fün Tits lives, and build a house for his family. He buys some property and starts building. After a house building montage, he settles his wife, Ysolda, into his house and adopts Runa Fair-Shield and Hroar from the Orphanage. The Guzzler family and Sonir, the musician paying rent, live happily for one day after Crotch Guzzler and Sonir goes into a dispute and Sonir gets killed.
By Day 3, Crotch has killed his son, Hroar, and decides he will make those pancakes from the pancake recipe Fün Tits gave to him. Making the pancake is so complex, he thinks if he can make the pancake, he can do anything.
Starting from Morrowind Sucks, Fün Tits is the main character. She kills Ainethach and decides that's her assassin days are over. She is going to retire with Serana and Astrid. However, she gets back to Whiterun and find cultists everywhere. They killed Serana and Astrid. To seek revenge, Fün Tits goes to Solsthiem to defeat the leader of the cultists, Miraak.
After resurrecting Fün Tits's dead girlfriend Astrid and receiving nothing but a pancake recipe he can't even read in return for his services, Crotch Guzzler has decided that he is going to settle down with Ysolda and have children, build them a home, make those pancakes and kill anyone that ever wronged him! He builds a home and moves in with all the bodies of the dead students from the College of Winterhold, as well as all of his beloved skulls. He also makes some new additions to the home, like the untrained pet skeevers in his basement that get killed by the summoned Dremora who steals Crotch's Skull of Corruption, he gets a cow named Spanky and a chicken that constantly tries to sexually harass Spanky. He also gets a very rude Giant neighbor that he sets on fire and hires a bard named Sonir whom he beats frequently.
Ysolda moves in and Crotch goes to the Riften orphanage to adopt two children for them. Crotch adopts two lovely children; a girl named Runa Fair-Shield and a boy named Hroar. Hroar loves Crotch's home, Runa however thinks it is scary.
Crotch goes about teaching them valuable life lessons like treating Sonir like she's scum and not listening to anything she says, showing Hroar the dead bodies of Onmund, J'zargo and Brelyna to teach him that if anyone ever does something he doesn't like, he can kill them. He also shows Brelyna's corpse to Runa, telling her that she shouldn't date psychopaths.
Crotch wakes the children up early to do their chores, which basically consist of cleaning all the skulls in his home. Crotch also plays hide-and-seek with Runa and she gets stuck in a wagon. Sonir has become defiant towards Crotch, ignoring his orders to use the kitchen he built and going so far as to threaten him after he punches her. Fearing that Sonir may try to kill him, Crotch fights with her. When he realizes how upset his family is getting, he tries to reason with her, but to no avail. He snaps and kills her. Destraught, Crotch hides her in the basement beside his other mistakes.
Crotch takes Hroar to the roof to clean it but loses his temper when Hroar refuses to cooperate and throws him off the roof, killing him. Mortified, Crotch raises Hroar as a zombie and, to make things right, goes with his son to the Throat of the World to translate the pancake recipe with the help of Paarthurnax. Crotch reads the book and goes to find the White Phial which is used to pour the syrup. While in Windhelm, he encounters Silda the Unseen and is disgusted by her. He and Hroar speak to Nurelion and head to a dungeon, only to find the Phial is cracked and when they return, Nurelion takes it and only pays a measly five gold. Crotch is so mad, he loses his temper at Silda the Unseen and punches her to death, resulting in his arrest, all in front of Hroar !
3 Days LaterEdit
Crotch is released and is unable to find Hroar . He searches for the zombified child in the hall of the dead. Afterwards, Crotch goes to find ingredients to repair the Phial; a briarheat, mammoth tusk powder, and unmelting snow. He is successful and the Phial at last is his! Crotch sets out to find the next ingredients: mushrooms from the Mushroom Kingdom, which luckily Crotch knows about from back in the day when he and Onmund used to get high. By sleeping in the bed inside an bandoned home, Crotch visits the Mushroom Kingdom and fights his way through giant turtles and all kinds of oddities. He battles Bowser and rescues Princess Toadstool and leaves with his mushrooms.
Crotch goes through a montage to get the remaining ingredients and can finally make the pancakes but no one is as enthusiastic as he'd hoped, so he goes to sleep and waits until morning. The next morning, Crotch awakens to find that Runa and Ysolda are both dead in their beds, dead from the poison in the pancakes. Full of regret and remorse, Crotch gathers all the bodies of those he knew and lays them to rest at the College of Winterhold. There, he apologizes to each one of them and, unable to carry on, throws himself from the tower with a mournful cry of his wife's name, still echoing in the air as he plummets to the ground... but never died.
Crotch doesn't make another appearance in Season 4 until the very last episode where it is revealed that the entire time, he was actually Miraak and had invented Library Land in order to get back at Fün Tits] for giving him the pancake recipe that killed his family. They have a ferocious battle and are interrupted by Cock Nibbler who persuades them to stop fighting and takes Crotch away to a padded cell full of skulls.
Fün Tits's adventure begins with the long-anticipated murder of Ainethach. Fün has been tidying up loose ends to all her adventures as she plans to retire from adventuring and spend time with her girlfriends Astrid and Serana. She returns to Whiterun and is attacked by three masked cultists claiming to work for a man named "Miraak". After destroying them, Fün enters her home and finds Astrid andSerana dead. Fün travels to Windhelm and boards a boat that will take her to Solsthiem where Miraak lives. Upon arriving, she discovers that the people of Ravenrock are rather odd: some of them slave over a structure just on the outskirts of town and talk to themselves, some of them seem to like standing in front of Fün while she is trying to have a conversation, some of them hammer things right next to her head, some of them sell exotic ingredients like curry flavored lube, or at least that is what Fün wishes the merchants would sell.
Fün is approached by a wizard named Neloth and told that if she is looking for Miraak, she should travel to his temple. Fün rides Arvaak to the temple and meets a Nord named Frea and they venture into Miraak's temple together, fighting through hordes of draugr. Fün begins to quite like Frea. They eventually stumble upon a mysterious "black book" full of the names of Frea's ex-boyfriends. Fün reads the book and is sucked into it and finds Miraak on the other side, mocking her. Fün regains consciousness and finds Frea waiting for her and telling her that they should visit her village. Once they arrive at the village, Fün sees the village inhabitants gathered around a fire and mistakenly thinks it is a dance circle and wears a sexy outfit and dances.
But when no one responds, Fün realizes the dire situation they are in and agrees to help Frea's father free the people of his village from Miraak's mind control. After freeing the villagers, Fün asks Frea's father for help stopping Miraak and he sends her to Neloth the Dickromancer and she and Neloth travel to a boring Dwarven ruin together where Fün mostly zones out on everything Neloth tells her and is more preoccupied with trying to find a way to sneak off and pee. Fün finds the book and enters Miraak's Library; a world full of pools of revitalizing green slime, sexual tentacles, flying books, foul tempered librarians, and Herman Melville who talks slower than molasses.
Fün is reported surprisingly sane by Neloth and then sidetracked into helping him find his assistant Varona...who is dead and naked in the desert. Upon further investigation, Fün deduces that Varona was not indeed raped by Ash spawns but instead was simply killed whilst running about in the nude as shown by the clothes shoved up her various crevices. Neloth asks Fün to fidn him a new steward and Fün returns to the Skaal village to try and Fün tells Frea's father Storn that Herman Melville will give up the final word of power needed to defeat Miraak in exchange for the Skaal's secrets. Fün tries to encourage Frea to travel with her. Frea leads her on and then dashes her hopes by saying that her duty is to her people. Depressed, Fün roams the village and tries to spill her sorrows to a grumpy villager who instead tells her that someone form the village is missing.
Needing a break from the village, Fün travels back to Ravenrock and stumbles upon Severin Manor which she instantly takes a liking to. Fün resumes her search for a steward and asks a drug addicted, alcoholic homeless woman to do it, but she refuses. She eventually finds a Dunmer to do it and picks up a traveling companion named Teldryn. She also goes to retrieve a pickaxe from an old man named Crecious and spares him no expense of Lord of the Rings jokes. Fün proceeds with reckless abandon into the mine to search for Crecious' precious journal and meets Draugr Turdlords, the Draugr that couldn't afford to go to Deathlord school. She also finds the Temple of Doom. After pranking Teldryn into running into traps, Fün kills a Dragonpriest and finds another black book and she enters the world she now calls "Library Land".
After leaving Library Land, Fün is sent to Adril Arano who needs her help. House Hlabuhlala has placed a deathmark on the Councilor of Ravenrock and it is up to Fün--as usual-- to end the threat. Fün goes to the Standing Spot in the House Hlabuhlala tomb and waits for the tomb's visitor, Silisu Severin who is behind the plot to kill the Councilor. Fün goes to search the Severin's home and winds up severin' their heads and to her delight, realizes that she can now have their house! Fün is sent to Marshmallow Citadel to end the threat to the Councilor, Mashrmallow Citadel, where the walls are made of chocolate and the floors are made of meat., the floors are made of pudding and the doors are made of wood. Fün kills the remaining Severins and returns to Ravenrock where she is led to Councilor Morvayn despite only being a few feet from him and Fün is awarded Severin manor.
Fün checks on Neloth's new servant. Neloth is mostly happy, but is disappointed with the quality of his servant's Anus Root tea. Fün accidentally reads another black book and is sucked into Library Land and she rides the Tit Flicker. Fün continues the search for the missing blacksmith from the Skall village and encounters the comedy goblins, she also finds a treasure map! Fün travels around the island, fighting and by entertained by the comedy goblins, and discovers all the pieces of the breathbeard armor and the key to a crypt ful of gold! Fün finally finds the lost blacksmith who's being held hostage by the Thalmor! Fün is sent by the blacksmith to retrieve a map stolen by the Thalmor detailing the location of Stalhrim. Fün travels to a boat, kills the magical, disappearing Thalmor and reclaims the map. Well, actually, she just asks for the map and the Thalmor leave the island. But the Thalmor really were magical and of the cookie making variety, rather than the ones that make cereal.
Fün returns the map and is approached by an old douchebag named Tharstan. Despite that the blacksmith is blasting flames behind her and making hearing the old douchebag impossible, Fün agrees to help him with whatever it is that he needs help with (from what she hears, he needs to go to a tomb that was opened by an earthworm). Fün mistakes a woman for Frea but winds up helping her speaking to her son Nikulas (or as Fün calls him; Nickleberry fuck) and she persuades him to stay in the village and is rewarded with grass. Fün travels to the ruins with Tharstan and sees a flaming pit that requires a sacrifice to open the door to the next area. Fün tries to sacrifice Tharstan but he jumps right back up from the pit. Fün then notices that the door was already open from the start. Fün has to solve a series of puzzles in order to find two halves of a claw. She fights the pushover Jailer Vahlak and is rewarded 1000 gold, but has no clue what the heck she just did.
Fün discovers a mysterious shack with a note telling someone to meet here at midnight and Fün eagerly waits, flirting with Teldryn all the while only to receive no response. Fün follows the path that the arrow took and travels to a really crappy Dwemer ruin and tries to make it fun, but fails after falling into dozens of traps and getting chomped on by Dwemer constructs. She tries to solve a puzzle to unlock some kind of amazing treasure and has to constantly rush back to see "what the door" in order to figure out the combination to unlock a an area. Once she unlocks the door, she hurries to the top only to find out that the door unlocked nothing except a really cool view.
To make up for the shitty Dwemer ruins, Fün goes and fights some comedy goblins and discovers a cave full of spider-throwing hermits and another black book. Fün helps a tribe of Comedy Goblins get rid of the Nords trying to invade their home and she battles the Nords alongside the adorable Comedy Goblins and she becomes their leader and she books a gig for them at Carnegie Hall but upon noticing the confused looks on their faces, realizes that the only goblin--the chief-- that spoke English is dead.
Fün decides she has had enough dicking around and wants her girlfriends back and travels to the Skall village where she asks if Storn will trade the Skal's secrets in exchange for the final word of power needed to end Miraak. Storn sacrifices himself and is bored to death and Fün reads the final black book, learns the final word of power and returns to Library Land, fighting her way through monsters and a boss battle she didn't see coming, Zombie Mega Hroar, whom she vaguely recognizes from the orphanage where she killed Grelod the Kind. Fün rides a dragon to Miraak's location and finds him waiting for her, but he isn't who she thinks he is!
He is... Crotch Guzzler, and this has all been his revenge on Fün for the pancake recipe she sold him that killed his family! Fün and Crotch battle and neither shows any sign of giving in until the other is dead! And from up high, a voice commands them to stop fighting! It is Cock Nibbler, a character from the pilot of Skyrim for Pimps and he orders them both to stop fighting, telling them that their fans would be very sad if either of them died. He consoles Crotch Guzzler by telling him that he has arranged a padded cell full of skulls for him, and he convinces Fün to move on from Astrid and Serana and to start anew with Frea, whom he has loaded up on drugs to make her like Fün more.
Fün goes to Frea and asks her to be her companion. Frea accepts and Fün is overjoyed and together, they shake their booties into the sunset.
List of EpisodesEdit
- "House of Crotch"
- "Married with Children"
- "Honey, I Killed the Kids"
- "Crotch Goes to Jail"
- "I Hate Mushrooms"
- "Sex with George Lucas"
- "Pancake Apocalypse"
- "Morrowind Sucks"
- "A New Girlfriend?"
- "Skyrim Booty Shake"
- "The Dickromancer"
- "Dead and Nude"
- "Marshmallow Citadel"
- "Comedy Goblins"
- "Tomb of Gold"
- "Death Pit"
- "Really Really Awful Dungeons"
- "Tentacle Storn"
- "Double Dragonborn"
|Skyrim For Pimps Seasons|
|Season 1 • Season 2 • Season 3 • Season 4 • Season 5 • Season 6|