This is a overview of season five. For a simple list of episodes in season five, see List of episodes § Season 5.
Season 5 revolves around the character S'oggy Balls, A khajit from the province of Elsweyr, completing the companions and theives guild quest lines. The story begins with S'oggy retelling the story of his adventures in Skyirm to Crotch Guzzler, the man who killed his brother J'zargo, as part of his plan to torture him with an endlessly long story before killing him.
The series opens up when Crotch Guzzler, on his way with Cock Nibbler to a padded cell after his battle with Fün Tits, is attacked on the road by an armored Khajiit who announces that he is here to seek vengeance for the murder of his brother,J'zargo. The Khajiit's name is S'oggy Balls and he tells Crotch Guzzler his tail...er, tale. Quite some time ago, S'oggy Balls and his brother J;zargo were living in Elsweyr, each of them with dreams for their future; S'oggy Balls wanted to be a warrior while J'zargo wanted to be a mage. This caused problems between the two brothers and J'zargo looked down on S'oggy Balls for not deciding to learn magic. J'zargo left for Skyrim to join the magic college and S'oggy Balls was determined to impress his brother and left for Skyrim to join the legendary band of warriors: the Companions!
Upon arriving in Skyrim, S'oggy Balls decided to share the wonderful gift of moon sugar to the citizens of Whiterun, not realizing it was illegal outside of Elsweyr. S'oggy Balls attempted to share some with a guard and was instantly arrested and thrown in jail. While in jail, he suffered severe hallucinations and withdrawals and wound up humping a dead Nord in his cell. After discovering a key was rammed up the Nord's ass, he unlocked a grate in the floor and made his escape. He made his way to the meadhall of Jorrvaskr and to his delight, found two warriors fighting inside. S'oggy Balls attempted to join in but accidentally killed both of the fighters.
After proving his worth to Vilkas and fighting him, S'oggy was sent to give a shield to Aela the Huntress. Right away, S'oggy Balls was filled with desire to mate with her and attempts to woo her throughout the season. S'oggy Balls goes to a tomb with Farkas and while there, discovers that the Companions are all Werewolves, at least Aela_the_Huntress, Vilkas, Farkas and Kodlak are anyway. S'oggy Balls becomes a Werewolf himself and discovers the threat of the werewolf hating group called the Silver Hand. S'oggy Balls and the Companions (accompanied by S'oggy Balls' pet General Burnside eventually defeat the Silver Hand and S'oggy Balls becomes leader of the Companions.
S'oggy Balls travels to Riften where he is approached by the leader of the Thieves Guild, Brynjolf and deciding that this is the chance to really prove his worth to J'zargo, S'oggy Balls joins them and becomes a thief! But all is not well in the guild, a mysterious person is interfering with the guild's plans and Mercer Frey knows just who it is. He lures S'oggy Balls to Snowveil Sanctum and tells S'oggy a tale of the greatest surprise hand job he and former guild master Gallus ever got, and one that was so great that it actually killed Gallus.
To end Karliah (or to perhaps recieve her amazing handjob), S'oggy and Mercer venture deep into the ruins and S'oggy is suddenly knocked to the floor, crippled by one of Karliah's surprise handjobs. Jealous that S'oggy got one and he didn't, Mercer cuts off S'oggy Balls' dick and leaves him for dead. Luckily, our hero is saved by Karliah and his dick is sewn back on. Karliah tells him of Mercer's plans...but unfortunately, we can never really hear her because she talks far too quietly. During the events unfolding to Mercer's inevitable defeat at S'oggy Balls' hands, S'oggy Balls discovers that Aela_the_Huntress was in an edition of Playnord shortly before she dies tragically by a misfired arrow from General Burnside and S'oggy Balls consummates his love with her corpse as he never could in life. Mercer is eventually defeated and S'oggy attends Ysolda's wedding to a "Drunken Asshole" and invites Yura who embarrasses him greatly.
When he returns to Elsweyr he finds J'zargo gone and that the Khajiit have all been dealt bad Moon Suger. S'oggy Balls investigates, kills lots of Thalmor, saves high Tonys and encounters Khajiit that really could stand to blink some more, and though he can understand little of what one of the Khajiit tells him, he manages to make out the words "airship". On board the ship, S'oggy Balls discovers a note revealing that the Thalmor have been poisoning Moon Sugar! S'oggy Balls travels to the airship so that they can launch an attack on the Thalmor and encounters the charming, inaudible character of Skullcat. After landing, S'oggy Balls finds himself lost in the desert desperate for skooma along General_Burnside and they stumble upon an Argonian asking him to shit in Siligonder chitin, which he does. After killing the Thalmor responsible for the poisoned moon sugar and S'oggy Balls debates linguistiscs and the meaning of the word Khajiit with Jo'anne.
S'oggy Balls goes to tell the Khajiit that they can safely do drugs again and no one cares except this one Khajiit that asks him to kill a farting Sload named Malsato the Hungry. Malsato warns that if he is killed, he will release a plague that will spread throughout Elsweyr, killing everyone. S'oggy Balls ignores the warning and kills him and only then realizes what he has done and goes on a desperate mission to save all the skooma that he can after he has fled Elsweyr, going to all the dealers that he knows. While he is back in Skyrim, the sun blacks out for some strange reason...S'oggy gets high and passes out, waking near the college. Deciding to finally visit his brother, S'oggy Balls ventures inside and discovers body after body of fallen mages. Upon the desk in the library he finds a journal left by the killer and on the list of victims is J'zargo!
S'oggy Balls hunts Crotch Guzzler down, chasing him from the Thieves Guild to the Crabber's Shanty and all the way back to his home where he finds Crotch's family asleep in their beds and ends their lives in an act of revenge! Determined to figure out how to kill a Dragonborn, S'oggy Balls travels to the throat of the world and learns that all he needed to do was punch one to death and so goes to confront Crotch Guzzler for the final battle! He follows Crotch to the college and watches as Crotch jumps from the building.
S'oggy Balls begins to suffer skooma withdrawals, he hallucinates, humps and feasts on the dead bodies at the college, and loses his hair and his pupils dilate. Then one day, he sees a flash of mystical lightening in the sky and realizes that Crotch has somehow returned. S'oggy punches Cock Nibbler off a cliff and finally confronts Crotch Guzzler and prepares to fight him to death. Fün Tits turns up too, with Frea, demanding the leg of goat roast that contains Astrid's soul. But Cock Nibbler is still alive (being Double Dragonborn and needing TWO punches to kill him) and he arranges a Skooma Parley, a sort of temporary truce where the enemies get high off of skooma and then kill each other. S'oggy, Fün and Crotch reluctantly agree but before they go, Crotch arranges something for S'oggy Balls as an apology for killing his brother. He resurrects Aela and reveals that she is pregnant with S'oggy Balls' child and weds them.
S'oggy, Fün and Crotch are given a tour of Cock Nibbler's expensive home, the most notable features being all the swords named after devout followers of the religion known as Skyrim for Pimps, and the chapel dedicated to worship of the creators of the Skyrim for Pimps religion. Finally, they arrive to the banquet hall. S'oggy Balls is last into the hall, and is greeted by Cock Nibbler, Fün Tits, Crotch Guzzler, Frea and Aela , he also sees Brad the Bard, playing the lute, and singing 'The Rains Of Catsamere'. He sees all the Skooma and helps himself while Cock Nibbler asks that they all formally apologize to S'oggy Balls for the wrongs done against him and the racist slurs they used for him. S'oggy begins to feel like he has a real family and forgives them and indulges himself in Skooma - and is impaled with crossbow bolts.
S'oggy Balls falls to his knees and the relentless rain of bolts stops long enough for Crotch Guzzler to say that there are two people he hates the most in this world: people that tell really long stories that waste his time...and people that kill his family. And S'oggy Balls can only watch helplessly as Crotch Guzzler slits Aela's throat, killing his wife and their unborn child right before his eyes. Enraged that he has been betrayed by the people he would have called his family, S'oggy Balls uses all his remaining strength to cut off Cock Nibbler's head just before a barrage of arrows is released upon him from Frea, Fün Tits and Crotch. S'oggy Balls' life flashes before his eyes and through the pain he sees J'zargo dressed in white and asks if he has made him proud.
J'zargo asks only this: "Have you mastered the expert level Destruction spells yet?" and full of disbelief, S'oggy says no. J'zargo walks around his brother's bleeding body and disappears down the corridor, leaving S'oggy Balls to stare after him. And behind him, Crotch Guzzler aims his crossbow at S'oggy Balls' crumpled form and fires.
List of EpisodesEdit
- "S'oggy Balls"
- "Friendship Smash"
- "A Little CatDog"
- "General Burnside"
- "Unexpecto Patronum"
- "Turkey Time"
- "Sex With Aela"
- "The Thieves Guild"
- "Aela's New Outfits"
- "Hide and Go Smash"
- "When T*ts Met Balls"
- "Grand Theft Solitude"
- "S'oggy Sketch Artist"
- "Sneaky Lizard"
- "Fish Stick"
- "Invisible Wank Job"
- "Reading Retart"
- "Secret Cake Thief"
- "Ysolda Gets Hitched"
- "Nocturnal Submission"
- "Stoned Khajiit"
- "Pirate Steampunk Airship Cat"
- "Flying Dogs"
- "Diabetes Anderson"
- "Skooma Face"
- "Revenge of the Pu*s"
- "To Kill a Dragonborn"
- "Skooma Parley"
- "After Sex With Aela"
- "Survival Horror Dungeon"
- "Who's Your Shadow Daddy?"
|Skyrim For Pimps Seasons|
|Season 1 • Season 2 • Season 3 • Season 4 • Season 5 • Season 6|