|Season 5, Episode 30|
|Air date||May 31, 2014|
|Written by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Directed by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|To Kill a Dragonborn||After Sex With Aela|
Skooma Parley is the thirtieth and supposedly final episode in the fifth season of Skyrim for Pimps. Originally to be the final chapter of Skyrim for Pimps, forever closing the story, fan demands persuaded Aaron, Emre and Adam to make yet another season, to be known as season six, starring Cock Nibbler. The fifth season was yet slightly extended by a few bonus chapters.
Skooma Parley picks up where To Kill a Dragon Born left off, with S'oggy Balls detailing to Crotch his long waiting at the College of Winterhold, scouring the entire campus for skooma, pleasuring himself with Crotch's family's bodies, and suffering Skooma withdrawls the whole time. Then, he reveals to Crotch his new "hideous" form that was caused by a lack of Skooma. Crotch looks over S'oggy and says, "Actually, you look kinda cool.... for a family-eating cat-person!"
S'oggy then fills Crotch in on this night from his point of view, in which he saw a flash of light upon the mountain, sends General Burnside out with a letter, to Fün Tits, to take to Bjorlam, and takes some skooma to be able to maintain sanity as he told his story. He then reveals that the story was part of his plan all along, being Step 1 of it. The second step was originally to be killing him, but instead of doing it alone, he's invited Fün through the letter. As soon as he reveals this, Fün arrives along with Frea, still under the control of Cock Nibbler's drug. Fün immediately asks about the Leg of Goat Roast containing Astrid's soul. S'oggy then tells Fün that to get the roast back, she must help kill Crotch. She agrees, just as Cock Nibbler crawls up from the valley below, to reveal he is in fact DOUBLE Dragonborn, making him TWICE as powerful as the rest of the gang (besides S'oggy, that is, who is never said to be Dragonborn) whereas he can only be killed with TWO punches, unlike the feeble one of regular Dragonborn.
He then invokes the ancient rite of Skooma Parley, where all fighting ceases until they go to Cock's and get really fucked up. They all agree to honor it, but Crotch says he has one thing he has to do first. Sensing something nefarious, S'oggy demands that Crotch let him accompany him. Crotch agrees to this term, and Cock and Fün set off to Cock Tower, and Crotch and S'oggy go off to Riftweald Manor, Mercer Frey's home and Aela's resting place.
They arrive, and Crotch and S'oggy go into the bedroom, where Aela lies dead, and Crotch resurrects her for S'oggy, as an apology. He then reveals that he felt the presence of a Half-Khajiit, Half-Nord baby that was conceived when S'oggy had sex with Aela earlier in the season. S'oggy is delighted to know he'll be a father, and then Crotch once again shows kindness to S'oggy by marrying him and Aela, as the Arch-Mage is allowed to officiate weddings in Skyrim law. After they are married, Crotch declares that S'oggy may now consummate their marriage, to which the latter excitedly declares he shall, while Crotch waits outside the bedroom. Afterward, they depart to Cock Tower.
Crotch, Fün, S'oggy, and Cock Nibbler meet at Cock Tower. Cock Nibbler asks S'oggy Balls to leave General Burnside at the door, as goblins are not allowed in Cock Tower. The group tours the tower's art gallery, we meet Shanara Twain briefly - one of the many women that live in Cock Tower. Cock Nibbler states that he can't even remember most of the women that live in the tower as there are so many. Cock also takes the group to the display museum, which contains all of the weapons ever made for sponsors of Skyrim for Pimps. Following this, he takes them to the Game Society Pimps Temple, and asks for a donation in the collection plate. He then takes them to Cock's bar and grill, the arena, and finally the great hall.
S'oggy Balls notices a bard, Brad, at the entrance singing a song that sounds suspiciously like 'The Rains of Castamere' at the entrance of the great hall, but dismisses him as a bad singer and continues on to the dining table, which is covered in skooma bottles. Cock invites them all to eat, drink, and be merry. The three Dragonborn apologize to S'oggy Balls for the ways in which they have wronged him, Cock Nibbler apologizing for treating him badly as he bravely fought a dragon which Cock Nibbler proceeded to kill. S'oggy Balls prepares for the best skooma break ever.
Whilst S'oggy Balls is on his skooma break, Cock Nibbler, Crotch Guzzler, Frea, and Brad the Bard begin to riddle him with crossbow bolts. Crotch Guzzler then walks over to the recently resurrected Aela the Huntress and slits her throat as revenge for the death of his family. With the last of his energy, he runs to Cock Nibbler and beheads him with his bare hands for betraying him. Before he is able to kill Fün and Crotch, they begin shooting again, until S'oggy Balls is presumably dead.