|Stupid Moth Priest|
|Season 3, Episode 3|
|Air date||August 8, 2012|
|Written by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Directed by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Huge Vampire Wang||Kung Fu Skeleton|
"Stupid Moth Priest" is the twenty-seventh episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the third episode of Season 3. In this new season, we start with Fün Tits but are later joined by Crotch Guzzler and there is even the sporadic appearance of Cock Nibbler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the Prophet and Beyond Death quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
Fün returns to Castle Volkihar and speaks to both Garan and Lord Harkon, asking the latter if his daughter is available for boning to which he replies affirmatively. Harkon tells Fün their biggest enemy is the sun and pretty much asks her to kill it. After not hearing his proclamation, Fün is asked by Serana if she has any idea how to locate a Moth Priest, but Fün confesses she doesn't even know what a Moth Priest is. And so Serana decides to tag along. Fün is ecstastic, but plays it cool and questions her about Elder Scrolls. Serana says she doesn't know much, even though she did spend a couple hundred years locked with one... turns out you don't learn much simply by sleeping with one of them. She's sassy.
Emre then proceeds to explain Fün what she needs to do and where to go: to find someone who can read the Elder Scrolls and for that Serana suggests going to the College of Winterhold. Upon arriving, Fün notices how empty and abandoned the school is, until they go to the arch-mage's quarters and see a body on a bed. Since noboby's around to give her any information, she goes to the man of the stories, or well... one story... Bjorlam! Fün inquires him regarding the Moth Priest and, as expected, he does have something to tell! After gathering some intel, Fün explains to Serana that Bjorlam , BJ for short, can take her anywhere and says he also has a dick the size of a summer sausage. That's big.
Fün also comes across Clinton Lylvieve, whom she knows from previous adventures, and as they chit chat about the misterious Moth Priest, a dragon attacks. They continue their conversation, however Fün then excuses herself for a moment and slays the dragon. Riding Shadowmere, they come across some members of the Dawnguard who are still pissed at Fün for shooting an arrow at Agmaer's head. These dudes obviously perish at their hands.
Finding a cave, Fün and Serana fight some fuckbuckle dog and trolls and finally come across Dexion Evicus, the Moth Priest, whom Fün seduces so he accompanies the vampire ladies. Suddenly, our Pimp bursts out in multiple compliments to Serana, thinking how ideal she is, because she is basically Astrid, except she looks good, doesn't need to be revived every minute and isn't married to a werewolf.
Returning to the castle with the Moth Priest, he gets to read the Elder Scroll, even though Fün thinks he's making up words because it's really dark to be able to read and the scroll looks like it has nothing written on it. Serana tells Fün she heard saying that the Moth Priest needs two more Elder Scrolls to read and she wants to find her asshole mother, Valerica, for perhaps she can help them with such task.So, they head out to a garden Serana and Valerica used to tend ages ago. As they walk up the mountain, Fün finds out that Serana is indeed a very soft spoken person, who disregards distances when speaking, PLUS she pees as she walks. No THAT is a turn off.