"The Fabulous Falmers" is the thirty-fifth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the eleventh episode of Season 3. In this season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the continuation of Touching the Sky quest in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
In this episode, Fün finds Forgotten Vale which they had forgotten about. Serana promptly bitches about the sun and how they should get in a cave or something. For crying out loud, they were just in a cave! Perhaps she's just in that time of the month. They meet another one of those priest ghost dudes, who raises yet another freaking magical gazebo from the ground. Fün remains unimpressed and simply wants to get it over with.
Arriving at the new wayshrine, Fün and Serana are faced with a frost giant. However, even though the Pimp lets the giant hit her twice, he still presents no challenge. Despite this, the giant carries an amethyst paragon, which is like the best amethyst ever and Fün would like to give it a hug. Seeing Serana approaching the fallen giant, Fün wonders if she resurrects these creatures and sticks brooms up their asses, but Emre says he bets she brings them to life, puts them in a corner of a room and tries to talk to them from the other side of the room, never to be heard. So basically, she just tortures them with soft murmurs.
Quickly enough, they join one of those ghost dudes, who lifts the next gazebo from underground. For some reason, Fün would like to kneel down before this particular priest and have him cum all over her face. Because, you know... ghost cum. Ectoplasm, really. Going up to said pavilion, our adventurers reach another wayshrine and its keeper, who greets the ladies within the beauty of hair strength and body of L'Óreal and teleports them to the next ghost priest fellow. Holy shit, there are lots of these dudes and lots of gazebos! Emre bitches about exactly that and hopes there's a wayshrine of brutal fisting in the end of their mission.
Finally reaching the last spot, Fün eagerly lets Serana know there is some mining to do, since it's one of the necromancer's favorite activities and she turns her back to give Serana some privacy. Right ahead of them is a dragon shout awaiting across a frozen lake. But of course along come two dragons for Fün to fight. Well, effortlessly murder... Retrieving a book, Fün is informed she should take it to Urag, but since he is dead, maybe Crotch, the weirdo will help her. Reading the book, she acknowledges it's a very long and descriptive exotic pancake recipe, with a lot of ingredients, which include hot sauce and rubber to hold them together and clippings from a bonsai tree. It takes three years to make these pancakes but they are totally worth it.
Thinking about why do Falmers' bridges have holes in them, they come to the conclusion that even though the Falmer are blind, they are also quite concerned about aesthetics and their neighbors, since what hurts them the most is when they hear comments that aren't that nice. Questioning Serana about the reason why they're helping the priests, the necromancer says that as long as they have the birther out of the way the priests might not really care about what a couple of vampires do with Auriel's bow. Hold up! Birther?! Serana is political, even though she has been buried for two hundred years. So it seems that as long as they show Obama's birth certificate to these birthers, they'll be alright.
Killing creatures and coming across messy bridges, Fün screams unpleasantries for the Falmer to hear and imagines them cringing and worrying, for they did not know there will be guests arriving. Together, Fün and Serana scorn the Falmer's bridges and the big pool they have in the middle of the living room. Seeing an obvious wire trap right in their path, Fün makes Serana trip on it and tells her it's payback. In the future, she should speak up. Carrying on, Serana cracks a joke, saying the Falmer are better at making traps than bridges. Suddenly they locate an ideal Falmer arrangement, with a nice little house and a fabulous bridge, having a chest, a little outlook for visitors, since they're blind, and even the possibility of shitting off the cliff. Plus, they have meals on wheels. What more could you want? Falmer go the extra mile to please their guests.
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