|When T*ts Met Balls|
|Season 5, Episode 12|
|Air date||Sept 14, 2013|
|Written by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Directed by||Adam Koralik, Aaron Yonda, Emre Cihangir|
|Hide and Go Smash||Grand Theft Solitude|
"When T*ts Met Balls" is the episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the 12th episode of Season 5.
Hide and Go SmashEdit
Well, S'oggy thought he'd better get out of Solitude after guards started chasing him for smashing children into the ground. He realizes that some places don't like it when you play hide and smash. And what's frustrating for S'oggy is that he just can't seem to get her to mate with Aela. The one thing that's going smoothly for S'oggy is thieving. His next assignment is a bedlam job where a guild member steals from anywhere in the assigned hold.
Stealing in WindhelmEdit
So, it's off to Windhelm to steal all sorts of sh*t, 500 gold is worth of sh*t. His first encounter with a human there is Mr. Cruel-Seas. He says his family has been sailing for generations and tells S'oggy he regrets not following in the footsteps of his ancestors. S'oggy sarcastically tells him that that's fascinating and that he's stupid. Mr. Cruel-Seas continues his sad tail and tells S'oggy that he's just a farmer now.
Leaving Mr. Cruel-Seas in his misery, S'oggy goes around and bumps into Silda the Unseen. S'oggy rudely comments that "she makes General Burnside look attractive." S'oggy asks whether she's "human" or rather "a feral wild human." S'oggy decides that he should report her to the animal control because she should be put down.
"Wow, your face is so dirty. Somebody really needs to clean you up with fire and kindness. I find that fire and kindness is the best way to clean off your face when it's this dirty."
Putting his focus back on the mission, S'oggy goes to the house of that "*sshole," Mr. Cruel-Seas. The voice in S'oggy's head warns that Mr. Cruel-Seas said he was a simple farmer and that farmers don't tend to have a lot of money. S'oggy suggest that "maybe he's holding out on" them.
Wow, this place is f*cking empty.
The shelves are empty; it's basically just square footage. To make thieving a little more fun, the voice in S'oggy's head suggests they sing "stealing songs' just like how other successful thieves do. S'oggy thinks this is brilliant and starts singing.
I'm stealing all your crap.
What do you think about that.
I'd love to punch your face.
Your house has lots of space.
I'm stealing from your sack.
You'll never get it back.
I'm stealing a fucking tomato.
Do you have any potatoes.
I'm done in here, f*ck it.
I'll knock over this bucket.
Hey this is so hard.
I feel like a tard.
I just want to wreck your bucket.
This stupid-*ss farmer can suck it!
Not having stolen enough goods, S'oggy then moves on to another house. He feels like this is going to take hours for him to "collect all five hundred gold." S'oggy and the voice in his head argues why this is. The voice in his head suggests that he shouldn't have entered a poor person's house. S'oggy arrives at the doorsteps of clan Shatter-Shield, which they think sounds rich. S'oggy finds many goods in this house, like circlets. S'oggy easily reaches 500 gold just by coming to this house. He high smashes General Burnside in celebration although he concludes that the little goblin "didn't sound like he enjoyed that high five." S'oggy decides that it's time to return to Delvin for rewards.
Reporting back to DelvinEdit
Delvin! Delvin! S'oggy's back! S'oggy reports back and asks for more work but Delvin mutters something about bagels. S'oggy has a choice to do three types of jobs and he decides he will take the numbers job. The numbers job requires S'oggy to mess with transactions recorded with establishments in Skyrim. It will take S'oggy a while to get used to Delvin's accent. He suspects Delvin might be from Canada.
The Numbers Job Edit
Upon wandering about in the ragged flaggon, S'oggy finds a ladder leading up to somewhere. He climbs up the ladder in curiosity and it turns out it's "a sneaky entrance" that's "in the middle of the the graveyard."
Traveling back to Solitude, a drunk guy accuses him of bothering his drinking. S'oggy messes with him and says that he's was just going to request, "could you dance like an asshole?" The drunk tells him about life being too hard to not remain sober and S'oggy's hand slips, smashing the drunk into the ground. Soon, the guards start chasing after him. S'oggy complains that people are too "excitable" and that's why he hates Solitude. S'oggy breaks into Bits and Pieces and goes in and asks the owner that he's looking for their ledger. Sayma, the owner, asks if S'oggy "got here just before the execution." S'oggy says that was a good times. Sayma counters that that was a "ugly affair." Even worse, a little child tells S'oggy that he "thought adventurers were supposed to look tough." S'oggy explains that that's not true. "They're supposed to look meek and unassuming so that they can actually beat the sh*t out of you and you don't realize how strong..." The boy ignores him and challenges S'oggy that his father could beat him up. This boy, like many of the other children in Solitude was smashed into the ground. S'oggy quickly forges the numbers on the ledger and runs back to Riften.
During his trip back S'oggy and the voice in his head discuss when General Burnside was fed the last time. S'oggy concludes that this might be why "he's always desperately looking for turkey or food." The voice in S'oggy's head suggest that they "stop by McJorlams on the way back."
Back in Riften, S'oggy goes back through the "secret entrance" that he found earlier and claimed he created it. The voice in his head tells him that he lied and he should put "skooma in the lying jar."
Fün meets S'oggyEdit
S'oggy tells Delvin that he "completed the numbers job and murdered a child (which according to S'oggy is a part of thieving)." Delvin does not care how he does his job and leaves him be. Glancing over his shoulder, S'oggy sees Fün and he starts talking to her. S'oggy introduces himself as a thief, which Fün thinks it's obvious. Fün tells him that he just came to drop off something (a necklace) to smuckers, Delvin (see Werewolf Wedding Crasher). Fun then groans about her life, that she's trying to impress a girl named Astrid, who is married to a werewolf named Arnbjorn. To this S'oggy excitedly tells her that he's a werewolf too. This confuses Fun as S'oggy appears to be a cat-man. S'oggy assures her that he's a cat but also a wolf. Fün, interested in becoming a werewolf, asks S'oggy if he can make her one. S'oggy explains to him that he is the leader of the Companions and he's now selling werewolf's blood because he doesn't care about their traditions. He hands her a bottle of werewolf blood and a weapon named Wuuthrad as bonus and they part ways.
Lydia the GargoyleEdit
S'oggy loves meeting new people like Fün and wished he asked her for money. Setting off to do more jobs for Delvin, S'oggy leaves through the secret Thieves Guild entrance. He finds that there's a person standing there looking like a "hideous gargoyle." Is it there to "scare away intruders?" S'oggy wonders. S'oggy warns his girlfriend and General Burnside to be careful and try to go around her. However, General Burnside gets stuck behind the Lydia. As General Burnside was fidgeting behind Lydia, S'oggy suspects General Burnside was licking Lydia's butt, which he found repulsive.