"When Tits Met Crotch" is the thirty-second episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the eighth episode of Season 3. In this season, we start with Fün Tits's adventure to become a vampire but is later joined by Crotch Guzzler. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the Culling the Beast and Ancient Power quests in The Elder Scrolls V: Dawnguard.
Fün heads out to the Moldering Ruins to kill the master vampire who's out of his mind. Her blood boils in the sun and she encounters a couple of Forsworn looters whom she murders, beheading one of them. This head though is unstoppable and goes down the mountain, reaching a top speed of 40 mph, going over rocks and barely avoiding animal life, until it finally stops after 1/4 mile.Hearing some suspicious sounds, Fün faces Serana and asks if she's peeing, but the mysterious sounds are them sizzling under the sun light. Upon reaching the cavern, Fün quickly slices the thralls and said master vampire and notices how the draugr Serana resuscitated in the meantime looks so much like Nicolas Cage.
Returning to Castle Volkihar, Fün reports to Fura, who tells her to go speak to Feran Sadri. Here, Fün gets upset and wants to know why she can't just talk to one person. Still, she meets Feran, who, surprise surprise, sends her on yet another quest. On her way out, she sees Vingalmo, or Vin Diesel, babbling about how life there is so much better than anywhere else in Skyrim. Fün thinks the vampires try to convince themselves of something that is definitely not true. Then Emre wonders where life is best in all of Skyrim and Fün replies that it's in her house pants, which are half the size of her home and where she climbs into to sleep.
Seeing that a vampire left an arm in a stream, she goes there to retrieve it. But not without complaining about how she has to be the one to always do everything and can never just relax, hang out and suck on vampire cattle. Reaching the site, Fün is welcomed by a horde of both bandits and Fuckbucklers, who obviously are assassinated on the spot. Also, this is when Fün discovers the Dawnguard's motto: Have no head, will travel. Following one of the traveling heads, Fün finds a spike pit and there she sees a deer, a high elf and a mammoth. Serana slightly pushes Fün towards the spikes and she does not like it. Duh.
The vampire ladies keep on fighting bandits, that being up until Serana takes a moment to mine. Since she has type A personality, she ALWAYS has to be doing something. However, when Fün walks away, Serana stops and follows her, to which Fün says she doesn't have to and asks her to keep mining. Now, she sasses her and tells Fün she cannot do everything for her. Let's say this was a pretty big 'fuck off' from Serana. Honestly, she's just playing games with our Pimp's head.
Finding the arm in a chest, Fün turns around only to find Serana secretly mining away. She stops though, when Fün looks. The adventurers go back to Volkihar and find Feran sleeping in his coffin. Guessing he might be cold, Fün piles up armor on top of him. She then gives him the ancient arm found and he goes back to bed, with all the armor in the coffin.
Tired of doing all these little missions, Fün decides it's time to move on and search for the next Elder Scroll, all the way at the College of Magic. Having to find Urag, Fün fears she won't be able to, since the last time she was in Winterhold everyone was dead, but Emre assures her Urag will be there because they're friends on Facebook and he shows his location on his posts.
Arriving at the college, Fün immediately finds a dead body and observes that the library is a mess. Nobody is around aside from this guy sitting at the desk, so she decides to ask him for some information. The guy is Crotch Guzzler, the arch-mage. Starting off with some harsh words, Fün then questions him regarding the happenings and Crotch goes back all the way, saying he went there to attend college and they made him read a lot of books, follow them around and they talked a lot, so he just killed them all. Fün takes Crotch as being really powerful to just have everyone killed at the college to which he responds affirmatively, adding she shouldn't fuck with him. Since Urag is dead, Fün asks Crotch for the Elder Scroll so she can shoot the sun out of the sky and make it permanently dark. The dean takes a moment to think and ends up saying that the scroll is in a trunk, next to the bed, back at his house. Explaining where his house is, Fün discovers they are neighbors and that Guzzler is married to Ysolda, the drug dealer! Thinking about the mission Fün wants to carry on, Crotch wishes he could have done something fun like that. Fün feels for him but has to get going, taking his house keys in order to collect the scroll. Crotch says he won't be staying at the college for long, he only stops by every now and then to make sure nobody's alive. They say good bye and part ways, without Fün inquiring him about the dead naked woman up at the arch-mage's quarters. Better that way.
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